No More "No Machine": How I Shifted to Parenting with Optimism

On Saturday my daughter had a great idea for a science experiment that involved homemade confetti, food coloring, cardboard set out for recycling, and a wide range of baking ingredients. It was just the sort of moment that turns me into a NO machine. I am worried about the mess, her low frustration tolerance, her staining her favorite shirt, and so much more.

The Book that Changed My Approach

Recently, while reading Helping Your child with Language-Based Learning Disabilities by Daniel Franklin, I read something that stopped me in my tracks. Franklin wrote about parents approaching their children with worry, when they need to approach their child with optimism.

Now, as a parent, I have a lot of worries! And while I don't state those worries to my child, I realized instantly that I was still communicating them to her. So how to make the shift?

Sharing Wins, Not Worries

First, I talked to my husband and we agreed we were going to stop talking about our worries so much with each other and instead try to share wins, funny moments, and evidence of growth. Our goal was to be "optimism accountability buddies."

Trading "No" for "Tell Me More"

Next, (and this is a personal one,) my worry often comes out as an automatic no, as if I am somehow capable of preventing all potentially negative outcomes. Instead, I was also preventing many positive outcomes. So no more no! (Well, mostly no more. Some of her ideas do get wild.)

Franklin also encouraged parents to approach children with curiosity. So instead of no, I practiced saying "tell me more" or "what are you thinking?" And what happened? Our household relaxed. I relaxed.

Back to Saturday

So on Saturday, while my daughter looked at me, waiting to hear the verdict on her potential experiment, I said "tell me more." She went into a completely unexpected explanation of how she thought she could tie dye the cardboard. As she talked, optimism came easier, because her ideas were fun and exciting, even if they made a mess and stained her favorite shirt.

Leaving the Worry Trap

If you're parenting a child with a disability or a history of foster care or other trauma, then it is easy to practice worrying instead of practice optimism. I can easily trace how I have practiced worrying since our daughter first came to our home after years in foster care. Sometimes, worrying feels almost like productivity. But that's a trap (and honestly, still one I'm working my way out of.)

I'd love to hear how you are practicing approaching optimism with your child.